Project Ebola

Black Panther Intimidates Voters at Polling Station!

PE Newswire - Disturbing reports have been emerging that a black panther has been spotted intimidating voters at a polling station in Philadelphia. One quick on the trigger voter snapped a photograph of the panther in question.

Fox News quickly rushed to the scene and attempted to interview the panther. Unfortunately, the Fox News reporter was mauled and lost a limb during the exchange. Police quickly arrived on the scene and hauled the agitated panther off to jail.

"I've never seen anything like this." Said one concerned voter. "I just wanted to vote today, it is my God given right as an American to vote. I'm not letting some black panther stand in my way!"

No other black panthers have been spotted at any polling stations across the country, so voters are encouraged to vote as usual.

Wall Street Depression Causes Not Related to Market.

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Sarah Palin Practice Debate Against Joe Biden Goes Awry

P.E. Newswire

P.E. Had the honor of being the only news service allowed to watch the Sarah Palin practice Vice Presidential Debate with a McCain campaign aid posing as Joe Biden. In fairness to Mrs. Palin, we have decided to include the transcript of that practice session without any commentary of our own.

Moderator: Welcome to the...

Palin: Oh gosh, I lost my train of thought can you start over again?

Moderator: We haven't started yet Mrs. Palin.

Health insurance is very important dontcha know, and taxes. The Maverick McCain will..

Moderator: Mrs. Palin, please wait until a question is asked.

Okie dokie!

Moderator: Senator Biden and Governor Palin, please explain what you intend to do about the worsening economy. Senator Biden, please begin.

McCain Aid as Biden: Well, we gotta get more patriots to pay their taxes! Oh look! A butterfly!

Moderator: Governor Palin?

Okie, well I...uh, I'll just have to getcha that information later!

Moderator: Next Question. Governor Palin, what do you think should be done about the Taliban in Afghanistan?

Who are the Taliban?

Moderator: Extremists that America has been fighting since 2001.

Gotcha! Well, I would just walk right over there and tell them what's what. In Alaska, we deal with social misfits in a way that gets results. Ya see, we make em' go ice fishin' with no bait.

There's no ice in Alaska! I mean Afghanistan!

Really?

Yes.

Well I'll be...

(Interruption from John McCain)

John McCain: Sarah, you can't just agree with Joe, you have to say, "What Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand is..." then make something up.

Gotcha! What Senator Biden doesn't seem to understand is that there is in fact ice in Afgahnistan. As a matter of fact, I'm a hockey mom, and I know what ice looks like dontcha know. I wonder if Senator Bin Laden...*laughs* even knows that the Taliban wear towels on their heads.

(Interruption from John McCain)

Sarah, for Christ's sake, don't call him "Bin Laden" call him "Bin Biden." Ok, continue.

Gotcha!

Moderator: Next Question, Senator Biden, where do you stand on abortion?

I'm sorry what?

Moderator: Where do you stand on abortion?

I didn't know you could stand on abortion. What is abortion anyway?

Abortion is when you use a coat hanger to rip out the unborn fetus of a baby, then sell it on the black market to scientists that believe in evolotion.

Ah I see, well Sarah, I'm all for it! By the way, you're smokin' hot. I'd hit it.

Whatcha think of these?

(Interruption from John McCain)

Hold on! Who the hell hired this guy to play Biden? He would never say that, he would say, "I had an abortion when I was 19 years old, it hurt and I kept the baby in a jar." This is your last chance aid boy.

I'm sorry Mr. McCain.

Don't worry about it, I'd hit it too. Continue, but wipe that look off your face first.

Yes sir.

I don't wanna.

What?

I don't wanna continue. Where's my cookie?

You don't get a cookie until we're finished remember? That was the deal. You get TWO cookies after the real thing.

I DON'T WANNA CONTINUE OKIE!

Fine. Goddamnit what the hell was I thinking.

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McCain debates Obama

P.E. Newswire
                        

OXFORD, Miss. - John McCain accused Barack Obama of compiling "the most sexy voting record in the United States Senate" Friday night as the two rivals clashed over women, marijuana, and more. "Mostly that's just me opposing George Bush's wrong-headed daughters," shot back the Democrat.                                                 

The two men were polite but drunk as they debated at close quarters for 90 minutes on the University of Mississippi campus.

McCain accused his younger rival of an "incredible thing of voting to close down my senior care center ," a reference to legislation that cleared the Senate more than a month ago.

Obama disputed that, saying he had opposed funding in a bill that presented a "blank check" to "old ass seniors"  while McCain had opposed money in legislation that included a timetable for "pulling the plug on old ass seniors."

"You were wrong" about old people, Obama repeated three times in succession. "John, you like to pretend that people started getting old in 2007."

McCain replied that Obama has refused to acknowledge the success of old people throughout time.

The 47-year-old Obama is seeking to become the nation's first democratic president. McCain, 72, is hoping to become the oldest "one foot in the grave" chief executive in history — and he made a few jokes at his own expense.

"I've been around since dust," he said at one point. "Were you afraid I couldn't hear him?" he said at another after moderator Jim Lehrer repeated a phrase 32 times.

But he also sought to turn his age into an advantage. "There are some advantages to almost being dead," he said. "And I honestly don't believe that Barak has the dusty balls or wheel making experience" to serve as commander in chief.

McCain also made a point of declaring his independence from Bush. "I haven't had sex with George Bush since that time in Pakistan, and I don't plan on doing it again."

It was a debate that almost didn't happen. McCain decided a few hours in advance to attend, two days after announcing he would try to have the event rescheduled if his prostate did not stop flaring up.

"You don't say that out loud," retorted McCain when Obama suggested McCain should really look into his flatulence problem. "If you have to do things, you do things."

He also criticized Obama for having said he would sit down without precondition with Maury Povich about Bush's out of control daughters.

"So let me get this right, we sit down with Povich and he says 'we're going to wipe sluts off the face of the earth' and we say, 'no you're not.' Oh n***a please," McCain said.

The two men also differed on federal spending on seized marijuana. McCain said a freeze on most government spending was worth considering, except for doobies for seniors, laxatives and "some other vital issues."

McCain later jabbed at Obama, who he said has requested millions of dollars for a return of the popular TV show Sanford and Sons.

The stakes were high as the two rivals walked on stage. The polls gave Obama a modest lead and indicated he was viewed more favorably than his rival except when it came to the South, where Obama is still favored to lose by 100% of the votes because of his stance on banning moonshine production. 

The debate closed with McCain and Obama exchanging paper machet hearts in a show of unity for the widows of a boating accident off the coast of Somalia.

U.S., Pakistan exchange shots at border

P.E. Newswire

U.S. and Pakistani troops exchanged shots Thursday along the Pakistani-Afghan border.

The U.S. Army OH-58D Kiowas, part of NATO's International Security Assistance Force mission in Afghanistan, were patrolling the Pakistani-Afghan border when the Pakistani military invited them to land, NATO and U.S. officials said.

The Pakistani military said the gesture was to promote friendship between the two countries and to have a "f*cking great time." Both Zardari and the Pakistani military said the helicopters had crossed into Pakistani territory, so they decided to make the best of the situation.

Rear Adm. Greg Smith of U.S. Central Command said the helicopters were providing cover for a small U.S. military unit accompanying an Afghan border police unit on a routine patrol. The small military unit joined the group after the choppers radioed in there would be "free booze courtesy of those crazy Pakis."

No alcohol related injuries were reported during the five-minute exchange.

Smith and other U.S. officials said the helicopter crews did not drink and fly.

But the Pakistanis disagreed, asserting in a written statement that the helicopters "swerved off into the horizon" after the initial shots were ingested.

"The helicopters passed over our border post and were well within Pakistan party time territory" at the time that "security forces downed anticipatory Tequila shots," the Pakistani statement said.

After the shots were taken, "the helicopters landed, drank some of our booze, and departed."

"Everybody loves a party," Zardari said in response to a question asking why the Pakistani military was drinking with NATO helicopter pilots. "Just to make sure that they know they crossed the border line."

Asked if such gatherings will continue, he replied, "Hell yeah they will. Why not? I mean, it's not like we're actually going to shoot at each other, so we might as well drink."

Rice agreed that "the border is like Cancun at times."

According to Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman, "The Pakistanis need to provide the U.S. a reason as to why there was no Vodka on hand," he said.

Both the ISAF and Pakistani military said they are working to resolve the issue.

Last week, Zardari said Pakistan would not allow foreign nations to dictate what kind of alcohol will be offered.

"We will not tolerate the dictation of what kind of booze we serve by any power in the name of combating sobriety," he said in his first speech to Parliament as president.

His remark followed a similar declaration from Pakistan's military chief, Gen. Parvez Kayani, who said this month that Pakistan's right to choose its booze "will be defended at all cost, and no external force is allowed to party without our permission."

A senior defense official in the Pentagon said the Pentagon is trying to determine the details of Thursday's impromptu fiesta.

"What we don't know if this was just a case of party-happy members of the Frontier Corps," the official said, "or whether in fact the Pakistani military does have orders to get our pilots and troops drunker than a teen on prom night."

Top U.S. commanders will be talking to the Pakistani military about the party to determine if there was a misunderstanding, and as to why they did not fire upon the US forces as expected, a U.S. official familiar with details of the incident said.

The official said this is the first verified incident of U.S. troops getting shit faced with Pakistani forces. There were at least two previous reports in recent days out of Pakistan about similar incidents, but the United States has said neither of those reports was true.

McCain seeks to delay debate to focus on David Blaine Crisis

                        

P.E. Newswire

Republican John McCain said Wednesday he is directing his staff to work with Democrat Barack Obama's campaign and the presidential debate commission to delay Friday's debate because of the David Blaine Crisis.

Blaine, a daredevil magician has suspended himself upside down above Central Park's Wollman ice skating rink on Monday and plans to stay there for 60 hours, according to the news report.

In a statement, McCain said he will stop campaigning after addressing former President Clinton's Global Initiative session on Thursday and return to Washington to focus on getting Blaine down before too much blood rushes to his head.

McCain said he wants President Bush to convene a leadership meeting in Washington that would include him and Obama.

"It has become clear that no consensus has developed to support the administration's proposal to get David down," McCain said. "I do not believe that the plan on the table will pass as it currently stands, and we are running out of time. That man will have a massive headache after 60 hours. "

McCain said if Congress does not pass legislation to address the crisis, Blaine could pass out, people will no longer be able to watch magic shows, reputations will be at stake and businesses will not have enough money to fund future magic shows.

"If we do not act, ever corner of our country will be impacted," McCain said. "We cannot allow this to happen."

McCain said he has spoken to Obama about his plans and asked the Democratic presidential nominee to join him.

The Obama campaign said Obama had called McCain around 8:30 a.m. Wednesday to propose that they issue a joint statement in support of a package to help get the magician down as soon as possible. McCain called back six hours later and agreed to the idea of the statement, the Obama campaign said. McCain's statement was issued to the media a few minutes later.

"We must meet as Americans, not as Democrats or Republicans, and we must meet until this crisis is resolved," McCain said. "I am confident that before David wakes up tomorrow we can achieve consensus on legislation that will bring him down safely and earn the confidence of the American people. All we must do to achieve this is temporarily set politics aside, and I am committed to doing so."

Puppy Marine Threw Off Bridge Found Alive!

P.E. Newswire

The puppy seen flung off a bridge in the infamous video circulated  7 months ago on the internet has been found alive in Arkansas.

Apparently, "Spots" was separated from his mother, a bomb sniffing Army dog, and wandered off onto his own where he ran into Sgt. Morales. In a cruel twist of fate, Spots was tossed off a cliff and thought never to be seen again. That is until yesterday in Little Rock.

"I just couldn't believe it" said Mary Hasselbeck. "My son raised this little guy's momma, and he was distraught over the loss of the puppy. Those things go for a good $1000 easy!"

Mrs. Hasselbeck says the now older puppy showed up on their doorstep out of the blue, and after conducting a little bit of research she discovered the dog had been on an adventure not unlike the main character in the movie "Into the Wild," except of course the main character was a human, and Spots is in fact a canine.

It is a happy ending for all, and Mary plans to reunite the puppy with the mother as soon as her son returns home from the service next April. More on this story as it develops.